World War 1

One morning on break Tom reads the headline that World War 1 has officially ended, he never mentions it again...

One day later:

(Silence)

Gooey: "World War 1 officially ended today!"

Ted: "I KNOW THAT!  Tom's been talking about it for a month!"

(Silence)

A day after that, at lunch:

Ted: "Speaking of World War 1, Gooey brought it up last week and we had to hear the whole thing.  He went on and on."

...

Pay

Our boss Bill is out of town, the second in charge, Rick, sent out an invitation for a going away lunch for someone leaving under bad circumstances...

Matt: "It's going to be awkward to hear Rick's speech."

Ted (butting in): "But I wonder who's going to pay."

Me: "It says right here: Rick is going to pay."

Matt: "We were just saying that it's going to be awkward for Rick."

Ted: "Does it say he's going to pay?"

Me: "Yes.  I wonder if he'll go with, 'we've had good times and bad'?"

Matt: "Maybe..."

Me: "Or else he won't say anything."

Ted: "But who's going to pay if Bill is out of town?"

...

Education

At break, Stew purposefully starts to antagonize Ted...

Stew: "So, Ted, what do you think about this sex ed debate?"

Ted: "I say teach it!"

Stew: "You think it's a good use of tax payers money?  I'm one of those parents who had to sign a permission slip to keep my kindergartner from getting taught about AIDS prevention."

Justin (sarcastic, just to antagonize Ted): "It's all these parents who don't want their young kids to know about that.  They're prudes."

Ted (angry): "It's just biology, physiology, and exercise."

...

The 'C' Drive

Ted providing more helpful information to a pair of young computer savvy folks on something he helped develop...

Ted: "You have the folder in the root directory...the 'C' drive.  'C', it's a, uh, drive.  It's the 'C' drive.  Do you know 'C'?  It's in the root...in the root.  The 'C' drive."



...

Notebook II

Ted is still teaching Jan, the foreign employee who he has no respect for...

Ted: "Well, you got to see a test fail.  That's a good learning experience...it happens.  Write it down. Take a note."

...

Notebook

Ted is teaching an employee from overseas who he has absolutely no respect for...

Ted: "Okay, Calvin is going to teach you how to do a event or something..."

(Calvin and the foreign employee start walking away)

Ted: "WAIT!  You're going to need your notebook, and a pen to take notes to learn this stuff."

...

Monkey

Ted is still teaching the foreign employee from overseas who he has no respect for, her name is Jan...

Stew: "So, is Jan pretty good about this stuff?"

Ted: "Well...no."

Gooey: "It just goes to show you can teach this stuff to anyone."

Ted: "Maybe a monkey."

This is as confusing as it looks.  Ted is always boasting about simple the software is, and how he can teach it to anyone. 

Towels

We went through a major organizational change, our boss called everyone together and explained the changes for about half an hour, then he asked for questions and Ted went way off topic...

Ted: "Yeah, you know how when they changed cleaning crews they said there would be no disruption?  Well, I've noticed that there are no towels in the men's room."

1> I've never seen a towel dispenser in any men's room here that was even close to being out of towels.  2> This question had absolutely nothing to do with our restructuring.  3> The mood at the meeting was somber as people we concerned about the change, this question went over like a lead balloon.

Feliz Navidad

Tom (reading a trivia question): “How do you say ‘Merry Christmas’ in Spanish?”

Ted (instantly, to the tune of "Feliz Navidad"): “Police killed my dog...Police killed my dog!”

The Video

Gooey (while searching for an email for a video): "Where's the video?"
Ted (singing loudly to the tune of Donna Sommer's "On the Radio"): "Oh, Ooohh, ooohh...Where's the video."


...

Retirement Toast

To a room of 200-300 people...

"Okay...so most of you probably haven't heard this, but I'd like to do the toast from Jaws.  [long pause]  Here's to swimming with bow-legged women!  ...That's from Jaws, so if you haven't seen it you can figure out how to rent it."

(He did get a pretty good response to it.)

...

The next day, loudly on the phone...

"Yeah, I gave 'em the old Jaws toast.  You know, 'swimming with bow-legged women' Hehehehehe.  There were about three hundred people there, I thought they were going to die from cracking up.  The vice presidents were laughing, hell, even the human resources rep was dying...and she's a woman!"

100% Accurate

Loudly on the phone, talking about they Mayan Calendar...

Ted: "The thing that most people miss is that it's 100% accurate. It's never been wrong, they do it using some sort of ancient knowledge.  Most people don't know that.  You guys know about that down in Arizona, smoking peyote or whatever."

....

Junkyard

The end of an extremely long and loud conversation about a police investigation...


Ted: "Yep, so that's how I was involved with a police investigation.  Just like how I was on the news."
Ed: "For what?"
Ted: "Junkyard fire!  It's just down the street from me, I saw flames going two hundred feet into the air so I went down there and they came up to me with a camera!  Fifteen seconds of fame.  They asked me about the fire and I told 'em that, 'Hey, it's a junkyard for cripes sake, they probably got welders and gasoline laying around all over the godforsaken place...'".



Note: the story about police investigations was in no way similar to the news story.

Subscription

Ted's phone rings...

Ted: "Hello.  Nope.  Goodbye."
[Hangs up, then loudly]
Ted: "Another subscription to Slurpee World."


...

Phones

Picking up the phone, the first line out of his mouth...

Ted (Louldly): "Well, what happened was I dialed your number, then, when I pushed the last one Tony was on the phone talking to me.  I don't know what happened there.  These phones don't work worth a...er, at all.""



...

Prints and Prince

Very, very loudly on the phone.  Ted may be a bit hard of hearing so he talks on the phone at almost a yell.  With his voice at that volume, there is no way that this conversation could be considered private...

Ted: "I was digging through old some old documents and I found a picture of your wife!  That's like Viagra for a guy like me! ... ... ... Well, I'm into photography.  I frame art prints, and I go to Prince concerts once in a while.  He hehehe! I put on a purple robe and, uh, tiptoe around there...(listening)...I'm going to join the Sarah Palin for president committee, that is if I don't, uh, join the Michelle Bachmann committee.  Heh eheheh....(listening).  Yeah, that guy is a nutjob, I don't know how he got elected governor.  Nobody voted for the guy, I'm surprised he hasn't been shot yet."




It should be noted that Ted hates Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, and Scott Walker (the current governor of Wisconsin, who I assume he is talking about here.)

Ham

Ted: "Sometimes you buy these hams...three pound hams with two pounds of water, a pound of meat, and three pounds of fat."



...

Okay

On the phone (loudly)...

Ted: "As long as you know a little bit about something, and not a lot about everything you'll be okay."




...

Favre

This is an old one...Ted is talking about the woman who Brett Favre sent scandalous photos to...

Ted: "She's a healthy woman...she don't need another sandwich."

(later)

Ted: "She's a...what do you call it?  A, uh, hot standout."



...

Aggravation Level

Ted: "You know, the longer you've been here, the higher the aggravation level gets.....it comes from working with Gooey.  Then they add in this clown." (Points to me).



...