It Is Done Megapost

Ted has officially retired. 

This is the last post, the grand finale:

Ted (describing machine control software to one of his foreign students): 
"It’s like Max Headroom…you know, his head shook all around. You wouldn't remember that but I do."

---

The morning after the GOP won control of the house in 2010 Ted walks in and makes a loud announcement, this is the first thing out of his mouth
Ted: "I hope you guys all have your prophylactics, because you'll all have a boner now that you're running congress."
(...LONG SILENCE, Ted looks around with a big grin waiting for a reaction...)
Ted: "I saw on the news last night: BIG FLOOD in St. Paul."
Tom: "What?"
Ted: "Some big, fat GOP spokesman is crying his eyes out that they stole the election."
Tom: "Why would he be crying? Maybe tears of joy...they won!"
Ted: "I don't know. I hate big fat cry babies, and I hate you conservatives."

later that week...

Ted: "The problem is that most people who have jobs vote for Republicans...protectionism. Not me. They'll be wishing that they voted for the Democrats when they're standing in the unemployment line....they're the, uh, problem."

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Ted and Tom are finishing up a project...

Ted: "Hey Tom, I'm printing the procedure now, can you take it and go make a copy?"
Tom: "Why don't you just print a second copy?"
Ted: "Just make a copy it's not that hard!"
Tom (walking away): "It's easier to just print another copy."
Ted (very angry, yelling): "GIVE ME THE FU--ING PAPER! I'LL DO IT MYSELF."

---

Ted walks in mad and starts talking about the parking lot...
Ted: "I was going through there and some lady, with her head all wrapped up, in one of those crappy Toyotas, was racing through there with a look on her face like 'I'm coming Allah.'"

---

At Lunch, loudly, in a crowded cafeteria, describing his experiences at Walmart...
Ted: "All I know is that whenever I go through the lanes there, half the time the guy working is a towel head and the other half he is a flaming fa--ot."

---

Ted (Angry and very loudly after a mild political conversation at break. Tom, his closest friend in the office, gets up to leave.): "BITCH!"

We love you!

Prints and Prince

Very, very loudly on the phone.  Ted may be a bit hard of hearing so he talks on the phone at almost a yell.  With his voice at that volume, there is no way that this conversation could be considered private...

Ted: "I was digging through old some old documents and I found a picture of your wife!  That's like Viagra for a guy like me! ... ... ... Well, I'm into photography.  I frame art prints, and I go to Prince concerts once in a while.  He hehehe! I put on a purple robe and, uh, tiptoe around there...(listening)...I'm going to join the Sarah Palin for president committee, that is if I don't, uh, join the Michelle Bachmann committee.  Heh eheheh....(listening).  Yeah, that guy is a nutjob, I don't know how he got elected governor.  Nobody voted for the guy, I'm surprised he hasn't been shot yet."




It should be noted that Ted hates Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, and Scott Walker (the current governor of Wisconsin, who I assume he is talking about here.)

Welding

(Slence)
Gooey: "NASA has layoffs!  9,000 rocket scientists out of work.  They are having to take up another field, may learn something practical...like welding."
Ted: "Patriot act will take care of that...ask Jason Lewis."
(Silence)




Ted hates conservative radio and (host) Jason Lewis.

The Future

Ted hates Michele Bachmann.  He mentions her name as often as he mentions Toyotas, only with a bit more venom.  He never has any specific qualms with her, just a general dislike as he has transformed her into the political symbol for everything he hates.  This morning Gooey is nervously talking about layoffs...

Ted: "When Michelle Bachmann is president...that's when you'll see the layoffs. People won't have jobs, gasoline will be twenty dollars a gallon, people won't be driving anywhere becasuse they won't be going to jobs."



...

Birther

Ted, ending a discussion about the book "Decision Points" by George Bush...

Ted: "I would say you would buy the book, uh, 'The Real Story of Barak Obama and How He Was Born in Africa'."

Tom: "No I wouldn’t, I don’t think that."

Ted: "He’s a birther! He’s a birther!"

Tom: "No..."

Ted: "He's a birther.  In fact, if you listen to him long enough you’ll find out he thinks that Obama was born on Mars."

...

Austerity Plan

The temperatures have finally gone above freezing and the snow is melting like crazy.  Ted comes in to work angry about pooling water on the streets...

Ted: "It's all part of the new austerity plan...they're more worried about voter registration than public works."

Once again, I have no idea who "they" are...

Mobsters

At the beginning of lunch...

Ted: "Did you hear that the CIA arrested about 100 mobsters this morning?  I wonder if they got the one in Crawford, Texas."

....

240 Grit

During a discussion on President Obama's State of the Union address Ted responds to the question "Did you watch Michelle Bachmann's rebuttal?"...

Ted: "No.  If I wanted to hear that I'd take some 240 grit to my a**h***."

Justin (to me): "Did you hear that?"

Me: "Only one word, and I wish I hadn't."

Ted: "Heh!  He probably don't even know what 240 grit is!"

Me (mocking): "Grit?"

Ted: "Ha!  It's sandpaper!"

Two hours later, Ted quietly approaches my desk holding a piece of sandpaper...

Ted (pointing at the paper): "See those numbers? That's the grit.  I wanted you to feel this side...so you didn't wonder what we were talking about."
Me: "I know what grit is."

...

Ted's Political Spectrum...

...as described during a lengthy diatribe against educated people and people who don't donate to the United Way.